I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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