My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
dude. I can hear the air.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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