JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
