someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Can you bring me the toilet please
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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