I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
