i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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