She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
