Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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