Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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