Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
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