I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
