My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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