my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
