Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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