my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Hippo gnu deer
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
