I need help removing her.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Randomize
