I can't breathe out the right side of my face
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
