my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
