I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm sobbing to NWA
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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