Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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