it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
