Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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