She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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