All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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