Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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