i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
