I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My liver is preforming stress tests.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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