I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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