So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
