Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
We need a shit load of segways right now
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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