Umm I'm too high to move.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
