When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
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Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
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She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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