I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
NoShamevember. You game?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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