So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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