Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
