dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
