I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
