Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
