Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
