I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
