Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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