my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
