Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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