I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
