One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
