I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I wear drunk well.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
