there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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