hotel room ftw
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
