porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
