just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
