whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
