ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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