I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
