remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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