I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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