Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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