did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
